To Catch A Rat
by EHWIES
Summary: Dorcas and Peter and knowing too much and running out of time. Dorcas Meadowes's final words.


**To Catch A Rat**

July 27th.

Peter is the spy.

He says they'll kill me if they ever find out I know (before I have the chance to tell anybody else, I reckon, or else as punishment for losing him his mole), and since Pete can't perform Occlumency to save his life, I suppose this means they'll come for me soon. I haven't written in this diary since... well, since before the war started, really, and it still feels funny to be putting my life down on paper again, but I don't know whether I want anyone else to know, and I don't even know how much longer of a lifetime I'll have to say it, and I just... need to leave evidence, somewhere, even if I don't betray him directly.

It's stupid, right? _He's_ the traitor. He might even be a murderer, for all I know. I mean, I could just go to Dumbledore about this and not bother with the journal at all-but-does it make me a twisted bitch that half of me wants to keep Pete's secret? I know it's the wrong thing; people are dying because of the information he's probably leaked, and if I'm going to die either way, oughtn't I push aside whatever sick sentiments I have for him out of duty to the greater good of wizardkind?

I can't even believe it. _Pete_-who would've thought? The scrawny follower, the one everybody underestimates... no, on second thought, of course it'd be him. If he did it out of resentment, for revenge, maybe, then there's his motive right there. And yet I don't think he's doing it as payback for all those years of being fourth best in everything-he certainly seemed full of remorse and self-loathing when he spilled the beans, and even if he's done a good enough job of holding it together that nobody else has him figured out yet, he's not a good enough liar to be able to pull off the desperation I saw from him and not mean it. Pete, of all people, means it. Pete, the honest; Pete, the sensitive; Pete, the reliable...

Hiding this must be killing him. _Doing_ this must be killing him. He has enough of a heart not to fake that, and he cares enough about his mates and his morals that I'll bet he can only repress his guilt so much. This is _Pete_ we're talking about; he doesn't have it in him to be ruthless, at least, not the last time I checked.

Last time I checked, though, he didn't have any sympathy for the Death Eaters, and apparently that's changed, too.

And it's not that he didn't explain their side of it well enough. I don't agree with it, I could never agree with it, but in a funny way, they're trying to save themselves, you know? Back when Hogwarts was founded, Slytherin wasn't the only one who didn't want to allow Muggle-borns to study magic, and when you think about it, things haven't gotten much better since then. There's a whole hierarchy of purity in the pureblood families, and hell if a Slytherin clinging to pureblood power would ever let that power go for the sake of a filthy little Mudblood. It's backward, but it threatens them-the Ministry's been corrupt in pureblood scoundrels' favor for so long that they're latching onto You-Know-Who in the hopes that he'll save their sorry arses a high-paying position in his dictatorship where they can lord their power over those of lesser blood. To them, it's either that or a fair world where they can't buy and inherit their way into seats in the Ministry, on Hogwarts's board of governors, and they can't have _that_, now, can they?

I'm not saying all purebloods are so despicable. I'm one myself-a pureblood, I mean, not a sellout. But the ones behind this war... they're scared, is all, they're scared and they're latching onto the one man (or monster, if you like) they think will bring things back into their favor. I don't buy it, and I can't imagine that Pete buys it, either, but then, how well do I know him anymore if he's been spying for their side for the last eight months and it took his unprompted confession for me to find out? God, it makes you wonder why Dumbledore still refuses to practice Legilmancy on the members of the Order when we've known for months now that someone's leaking information to the other side.

There's more to it than meets the eye, I'm sure of it. Maybe I'm horrible that I'd be willing to risk innocents' lives in the meantime, but part of me still believes the best of Pete, that he could change if given time and support from a real friend. He said they cornered him, that it was either spy or die, and I know as well as he does that he wouldn't be able to hide it with Occlumency if he started feeding them false information, that it'd take something like a Fidelius Charm to protect him if he ever tried to get out of this arrangement they've cooked up. I just... he's always been the sweetest Marauder, had the biggest heart, and it kills me that it feels so _wrong_ to want to give him one more chance.

Dorcas x


End file.
